26 February 2012
I've been meaning to blog about this for a long time now. Bear with me....
Before falling pregnant with Pretzel we lost three babies to miscarriage within 11 months.. I honestly never thought this would happen to me.... well definitely not three times. During this time, I learned a great deal about myself and others. I learned I am stronger than I thought, that I can pick myself up, dust myself off and despite everything trust that God would give us another chance for another much longed for child. I also learned a great deal about people. Some people aren't OK with others pain, some people don't know what to say, some people think they are saying the right thing but they just aren't. Other people and I'm sure it is the people who know you well, offer to bring you dinner/cookies/chocolate/flowers and just sum it up with "That really sucks, but I'm here with you."
I learned there is an element of shame in miscarriage. A lot of people don't talk about it. Why? To be honest, I felt like I had failed.... the first time, the second time AND the third time. The first and third times I had to have surgery and it felt like it was an extra reminder of what had happened: not only had our babies died inside of me, but they had to be removed and I had to recover from the surgery too. The amazing thing was that when I told women what I was going through I got an amazing amount of "I've had a miscarriage too... (insert details here)."
Some of the best advice I was given during this time was "Some days you will feel great. Some days you just won't. Some days you will feel fine, and then you'll cry for no reason." And time went on, and I found myself almost sobbing in the middle of Best n Less, whilst shopping for two beautiful newborn neices, yet feeling a great sense of injustice that "We should be shopping for OUR BABY!"
So.... what do you say? How do you help? What do you DO? Iam terribly ashamed to admit that someone told me (pre-miscarriages for me) they had lost a baby and I made some washy comment about the baby being in heaven - WRONG! Here's what you can do. Sit with them in their pain. Listen to them. Bring over chocolate and flowers and just listen to them. Don't be weird about it, especially if you have a baby of your own, pass that baby on over for cuddles. Cook them dinner. Do they need a baby sitter while they have doctor appointments/surgery/blood tests?
I can assure you, there is a great deal of grief associated with the loss. It is the death of a loved one whom you never got to know. For me, it was the loss of the idea of a little person whom was inside of me but ceased to grow and develop. It was the loss of the excitement and expectation of bringing a new little person into the world. Imagine the highest high (finding out you are pregnant)... followed by the lowest of lows. Not fun and very hard to deal with.
Through all of this I had to remember my amazing husband. It was his loss and his pain too. It must not have been easy for him to go through this also, to wait for me to have the surgery and recover, to take me to the appointments and hear the news that there was indeed no heartbeat and here were the options. I had to let him grieve too.
I found this link which may be helpful. It has some things on there of things not to say....
Also, if you have experienced a miscarriage I want you to know that you are brave. And strong. However you are feeling... well it is OK. Like my dear friend told me, there will be good days, there will be bad days. I pray that you have comfort during this time, and that if you really long and desire for another little blessing to join your family, that God will bless you with one.
Thanks for reading and please leave a comment.....